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In our latest live stream, I sat down with my middle child (15-year-old Malakai) to discuss what homeschooling has been like from his perspective. If you missed it, the replay is well worth the time and covers a lot of ground. I hope our conversation was an encouragement, shed some light on the amazing benefits of homeschooling, and gave some perspective on navigating some of the common difficulties.
Some of the questions we received on the live stream were about our experience homeschooling and even parenting teens: both what that looks like now and what it looks like in the very near future as they embark on a life of their own. It got me thinking about some of my main takeaways. With four teens and an 11-year-old who seems to be conspicuously more “teenager-y” every day, I have a lot to talk about. Here are some of the main things I’ve learned so far in the process:
While there are common challenges and joys to homeschooling teenagers, it is important that we get to know each child and approach their education and development in a way that is tailored to their unique needs and interests. I didn’t just have a conversation with a teenage homeschooler. I had a discussion with Malakai. What he needs from me (both as a parent and an educator) is completely unique to him. If I tried to approach his education the way I approached his siblings, I wouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to grow into the unique person God created him to be.
God has the care and mercy to deal with us as individuals and to continually find new, creative ways to teach, communicate, and sanctify us. He knows exactly what each of us needs to turn us into the people He created us to be, and He calls us to give our children the same grace He gives us. Whether they are teenagers or toddlers, we are called to use discernment and seek the Lord about how He wants us to parent, teach, and relate to each amazing, God-given person.
Some kids are going to push for more freedom, others are going to need more time alone, and then a wrench will be thrown in the whole thing when you find yourself parenting an extrovert with a deep need for connection and conversation. These differences constantly keep me on my toes, but they are also my greatest joys. My kids are not going to be one size fits all. They are unique, and I must approach them that way.
During the teen years, things move at a rapid pace. It seems that nearly every day a new passion, interest, emotion, or side is revealed in these “diamonds-in-the-rough” we get to polish and shine as parents. For some that might be a terrifying thought, but it is a critical stage of this whole process. Perhaps even the most critical stage. My kids need me more now than I think they ever have before. My duties have changed (they mostly care for themselves at this point), but the sheer volume of conversation far and above makes up for it! I am needed mentally, emotionally, and for long durations during hours that my nocturnal children seem to thrive in. I’m on night shift, ya’ll! But I am convinced that every conversation matters. The eye contact matters. The hugs matter!
Not only are our teens establishing who they are, they are learning what they stand for and what is in them. This is the season of identity. It is the season where critical thinking develops. Their brains are literally growing more now than at any stage in their life other than infancy (which is why science tells us they need so much sleep). Our most important teaching is not in a textbook. It is in a conversation! They need to process, consider, and be challenged to think outside the box and see another perspective.
It is so easy this close to the finish line to pull back and buy the lie that we’ve reached a good “percentage of parenting.” Or maybe the lie is that it is too late and because we didn’t do things right in the beginning, we’ve lost. It’s not over until it’s over, friends, and in my opinion, this is the time to hit hyperdrive.
From a homeschooling perspective, everything has changed. I've always had this vision of our kids gathered together like little chicks, learning together. I love the idea of getting into the living room, snuggling up on the couches, and just reading, discussing, and talking. But as my kids have entered high school, there is a whole lot more discussion and depth. We can go down rabbit trails and spend the whole day in Socratic-style learning—just discussion, conversation, debate, and research. My kids don’t want to sit and listen to a rote lesson. If that is what is on the docket, they’d rather go learn on their own in their bedroom or take the book to Starbucks to study. The value I bring to the table is not reading a story. It all comes back to eye contact and conversation. If it is not a conversation, it is generally not effective or meaningful at this point. I’ve had to give my kids more freedom in their lessons and work to do things on their own and reimagine what our time together looks like. That requires me to be willing to change and pivot, even if it is different from the picture in my head.
From a parenting perspective, things are changing too. The only way I can prepare my kids for the real world is if I micromanage less and leave a bit of room for them to make mistakes and do things their own way. For us this means less restrictions on technology and letting our kids make those boundaries for themselves (again, it looks different for each of our children). It means less control of bedtime and schedules and letting them start to learn time management. It is a delicate balance of yes and no. No two children (and no two days) are alike. It means listening to the Holy Spirit and making sure our decisions are not based on fear but rather based on obedience.
In C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce, Lewis illustrates the distortion of love that happens when a mother (or father) puts too much of their identity in their child and allows their role as a parent to turn into a deep need that actually holds their child back. We don’t own our kids. God does, and He will guide them through their teenage years and into adulthood when our rules are no longer appropriate (or perhaps effective).
If you’re not intentional about cultivating community, homeschooling can feel lonely. Our family has personally always valued connection and community over busyness. When we first moved to Georgia a year and a half ago, we were struck by how many activities other families commit themselves to. If you aren’t also doing lots of activities–sports, church groups, etc.–it can be difficult to connect with people and build relationships.
We’ve had to be super intentional about cultivating community around us, and things haven’t always been perfect! It is something we are still trying to work through and seek the Lord about. I believe strongly that we aren’t called to fill every empty moment of our lives with activities; we need space to talk, connect, explore, and develop our connection to the Father. Even church activities can destroy your ability to have healthy rhythms of rest and work. This mentality is countercultural where we live! However, we don’t just see ourselves as residents but as missionaries, who are called to impact the culture and model a better way of life.
This can be difficult for our kids as we all try and navigate a new culture, live missionally, and develop a healthy community around us. People don’t always understand what homeschooling is, and they can make disparaging comments about things they don’t understand.
Homeschooling teenagers gets a bad rap, but I have found it to be the most challenging, engaging, and beautiful stage of this whole journey. Is it exhausting? Yes! Will it humble you and keep you dependent on the Father? Absolutely. But it is so worth it! No one is going to do this whole thing perfectly, and that isn’t the expectation. We are going to make mistakes, but those don’t disqualify us from the mission that we have been given. Persevere! Press on! The prize is so close! You have a lifetime of relationship just on the other side of these momentary struggles.
If all else is failing in your home and it feels like it is on fire, above all, put on love. Make it your cloak. Ask the Lord to give you a veil for your eyes, so you can see your children with eyes of love and understanding. There is One who has the answers. There is One who can see you through. You are not alone on this journey, and it’s not over until it’s over. Run your race, friend . . . the finishing is perhaps the most important part!
In Him,
