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*This blog was part of a live we did. You can either read the summary below or watch the video above!
Technology is like a boomerang in any family—just when you think you've got it figured out, it comes swooping back around with new challenges. I've spent countless hours wrestling with the balance of technology in our family life. Our approach isn't about removing all access to technology; instead, we try to navigate this digital landscape with grace, wisdom, and a whole lot of prayer. I’ll say this right off the bat: our kids range in age from 11 to almost 18, so if you have younger kids, managing their relationship with technology will most likely look very different for you than it does in our house and may require a whole lot more boundaries. As always, listen first to the Holy Spirit . . . all the rest is just a grain of salt.
In our home, we're not afraid of technology—we embrace it while working hard to maintain healthy boundaries (truthfully, we don't always do it perfectly). All of our kids have their own iPads, and we have multiple gaming consoles and computers. But here's the key: access doesn't mean free reign. We've implemented strict controls on internet browsing, completely restricting access to Safari and Chrome for most of our children's lives. I tried giving some access to YouTube for a bit but so much seemed to sneak in that we completely disabled that entirely (both kids and adult version). Social media has been completely off-limits until adulthood, with our daughter Selah being the first kid in our home to have access to social media, and even then only in one outlet. We aren't afraid of it, but we aren't foolish about it either. There is so much garbage out there on the big wide web. There are predators, there is hate and condemnation, and there is addiction and, yes, porn to be on guard against . . . constantly, vigilantly. To not be wary of tech would be a grave error (in my opinion, that is). But that still doesn't make me fearful or feel like I need to hide it away.
My concern in the tech world is that when we as parents make decisions based on fear and control, we aren't ultimately setting our kids up for success. Especially as they get older and the stakes get higher.
When assessing the whole tech thing, the first thing to ask yourself is if it is a problem. You might go months with life being so busy that there just isn't much time for it. Other seasons (often ones of boredom) can trigger us to fill the void. Check out a few things to watch for:
1. Addiction
If you can't eat or go to the bathroom without your tech, it's a problem. If you can't have a dull moment without needing to scroll, it's an addiction. If it is the first thing you do when you wake up and the last thing you do before bed . . . you may just need to face the facts. And yes, I'm saying you because the reality is that it can start with us. We model for our kids and teens are like hypocrisy bloodhounds, they can smell it a mile away.
2. Attitude
When tech starts to impact attitude, this is another sign that it might be time to have a meeting. It starts with impatience, then escalates to being quick to anger. You might even find that the idea of giving up tech makes you emotional . . . when you're emotions are all wound up in it, it's time to pull back.
3. Sleep
Experts are constantly warning us about what tech right before bed does to our minds. The light, rapid eye movements, and brain activity are the opposite of sleepy-time tea. Ironically, we turn to tech when we are tired and want to relax, and yet it keeps us in a state of being alert and can "turn off" our sleepiness. Once the doom scrolling starts, you might find yourself (or your kids) going to bed way too late and being constantly behind because of it.
Once you identify that things need to change, we always like to start with prayer. Often there are direct apps or games the Lord will draw my attention to that need to go first. We learned early on that we had a no-tolerance policy with games like Fortnite or Roblox, and could be a bit more lenient with Minecraft (with some rules in place that is).
Next, we talk to our kids. Including them in the conversation completely changes the dynamic. It isn't us versus them, it's us coming alongside them. How can we help? How can we support you? The more we can speak to the greatness in our kids and draw them to want to rise up on their own rather than demanding it, the better the results will be. If we don't ever give our kids the opportunity to be convicted, to decide for themselves, then we aren't truly preparing them for the real world. Tech won't stop being a problem when they are eighteen. We have to have the hard discussions now. We have to teach them to discern now. This is the battlefield, and if the ideas are coming from them, then try as they might, they will always come back to what is true and right.
"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for life."
Live gaming and online interaction have changed this exponentially. We've had to learn a lot about different types of games, do research, and sometimes even play games along with our kids so that we know firsthand what to watch for. Usually we don't allow online gaming unless it is with family members or close friends (like cousins), though as our teens have become young adults, again, we've nearly entirely left that up to them.
At some point, we have to pass the baton.
Don't get me wrong, if my teens were ever doing something that was opening a door in our home, I would be quick to react. It's still our home and our rules. But I also have to trust that they know the risks, they understand the why (I know this because of the sheer volume of conversations we've had), and they are wise. I trust my kids. More than that, I trust the Holy Spirit with my kids, and because I know they have a relationship with Him, more and more I keep my silence with my 16 and 17 year olds. I watch. I pray. I am there if they need to talk. I tell them if I am concerned. Every once in a while I check in. But I stand here as a mom who has seen breakthrough. I've watched my kids grow and make decisions on their own to delete things, remove things, and say no to things.
And so I keep juggling the fine line and keep praying for wisdom and discernment. That's our unpopular opinion . . . tech is not the enemy, but the enemy certainly wields it as a weapon. Our aim is to teach our kids the "devices" the enemy uses so that they won't be caught unaware. Are we truly arming them for what is to come?
